So today was a typical Monday. I found myself easily in tears over not much! But at the same time am sure of the peace I feel as well. Quite the dichotomy, these mix of emotions. I am not getting much done that I had planned, so get anxious about my house, etc., but I know it will all work out. My dear sweet daughter-in-law is planning on helping me organize my office, but she has caught Craig's cold, so that will have to wait until next week.
I understand that I may be awake a lot the first couple of days before and after chemo so I will just use that time to tackle some of my mess.... Yes I'm a messy person, I admit it... always have been. My friends who have helped me tackle my messes in the past are probably too polite to spread the news (bless them), but if I drop something on the floor, I can walk around it for weeks without thinking about it, except we have a cleaning crew come in every Tuesday now, so I have to pick up my mess before they get here! That is worth every cent I pay them.... :-)
It makes my husband crazy... "why are we cleaning for the cleaning ladies?" I just reply... so they can reach the floor and counter tops that need cleaning!
Mostly my messes are paper messes, I cannot throw away that mailer, I might need it next week... you know the type, a semi-hoarder I suppose. Although I have been to true hoarder's homes and I am nowhere near that bad, but it doesn't take much of my imagination to see me sink into the despair that creates the downward spiral into the inability to deal with the junk we accumulate! I think it truly is despair. When depressed that was the hardest thing to care about, whether my house was clean, but then, when it wasn't clean, it made me feel even more depressed, worthless and frustrated with my inability to cope with life in general.
Praise God, I am no longer depressed and I thank Him every day for getting me out of the morass of despair that comes with that mental frustration! Although I cannot point to one particular thing that worked, but a multitude of counseling, medications, prayer, activity, Feldenkrais Method; forgiving my friends, family, and/or strangers of real or imagined sins against me; forgiving myself, they were all part of that journey, which was a long hard one. Like Cancer, depression is another one of these diseases that they tell you that if you have had it once, you are more likely to have it again.... THAT TRULY SUCKS BIG TIME!
So I guard my heart and mind to think positive thoughts, (whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think upon these things! Phil 4:8.) and I exercise most days - need to do an hour a day (anyone want to go for a walk?) I hope that if depression ever visits me again that I will have the same support of friends and family that I am experiencing now fighting this battle with cancer.
Well this probably has gone on too long, rambling again, but cathartic... Thanks for reading along with me, any and all comments are welcome. As the famous line goes "Tomorrow is another day!"
Blessings to you!
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